I realize that I subconsciously woke up today expecting to feel automatically inspired, hopeful, and just happy because it is the first day of a new a year, a fresh start.
Today has definitely been coated with more darkness, pressure, heaviness, annoyance, lack of motivation and insecurity. What a lame way to start a new year!
I was feeling down on myself because I have a really hard time cleaning my house. I hate it some days. I avoid it. I get overwhelmed by it. I am “not good at it.” It is hard for me to clean up after myself because I get distracted by the kids or I want to move onto the next step that I don’t have the patience to follow through to the end of the clean up process right after a meal.
I tried to not let myself spiral down into negativity though. I stayed in this very interesting mental state where there is pressure to be feeling a certain way (negative) and I am fighting back. But not quite enough to change my mood and be positive. I’m just tense almost, both sides of me not quite willing to give in or strong enough to take over.
I have been overwhelmed by the thought of parenthood today. IT NEVER ENDS. Holy crap! What did I get myself into?! I can’t just like check out or put my kids on a shelf and come back to them in a few days or weeks when I feel more able to handle the task. Even when they are out of the house, there is still this responsibility to them as their parent and today that pressure and obligation was seriously eating at me. Then my thoughts turned to homeschooling, Beachbody coaching, raising teenagers, being a grandma one day, and more. Am I even going to be good at any of this?? I felt like two walls were closing in on me.
We don’t let our kids watch cartoons, movies or TV yet. We plan to later, but recently reconvened on this topic and decided now was not the time. Man! The me of today was telling the me of a couple weeks ago, “What the heck!?” Today is a day when I would have LOVED to just turn on a movie and watch it with my kiddos. I felt kinda imprisoned to this decision we had made (its not the first time). Not because I don’t agree with it, but because I was tired and would have loved to pass the obligation to take care of and entertain my children to someone/something else! I needed something easy today. I didn’t really have it in me to live up to the rules/standards we had set for our family. Or the standards I had set for myself.
I almost cried about 3 times.
Little C asked me kindly, “Mom? Can you try and be happier?” or “Mom, let’s try to be happy!” Her loving, unconditional sweetness humbled me to tears this afternoon. In the midst of all my annoyance today, she wasn’t mad at me for feeling weak and having a bad attitude. She took the high road and tried to LEAD ME out of the darkness, even at her young age of 4. What a blessing and example she has been to me today. I am so grateful for my little children.
We were both “feeling crazy” so we retreated to my parents to get some nice company on this New Year’s Day. Although I still felt pretty depressed and a sense of numbness as I tried to suppress the negativity that was trying to sprout, there was definitely a sense of solace there. I wasn’t the only source of entertainment for my kids. I could interact with other adults and feel love just because they were present there with me. I’m so grateful that they live close.
On our way home I stopped at Smith’s to buy cough drops and “sick food” for my family. We got jello, popsicles, juice and soup to help comfort their poor throats! There was something that made me excited about buying this comfort food for them. I try so hard to be an advocate for health and try to be super consistent in feeding my family good healthy food. But it is a constant of telling myself no and sometimes, it just feels good to let go for a minute, to provide that sense of fun and comfort for them- to say, “yes!”
After we ate an early supper, Daddy deemed it quiet time for Mommy (thank you!). Cora and I each took a couch. I told her I was going to do some meditation. She asked what it was and I explained that it’s when you listen to music, relaxation or think about certain things. She wanted to too, so I played music on my phone. Cora soon fell asleep and I was able to do a very healing exercise. In my meditation, I openly admitted how I was feeling and released layers of pressure to be a certain person. I allowed myself to feel and through expressing those feelings and emotions, I naturally found balance and optimism and gratitude. I realized that earlier, by trying to suppress those feelings and just push past them, I actually aggravated them. Next time I will totally just meditate and help myself work THROUGH THEM! And hopefully avoid a full day of depression and emotional exhaustion.
I also realized that when I get as overwhelmed as I did today, that I need to break life down into TINY pieces. “This is what I am doing RIGHT NOW.” I don’t need to worry about my entire to do list, or tomorrow’s homeschooling or 20 years down the road. “I am just focusing on changing my baby’s diaper.” And then I’ll figure out what to do after that. Literally one thing at a time is my cure. Just can’t forget that! I am a Type 2 and while I am detail oriented, I feel that I am very overwhelmed by too many details as well because I give them such weight. Energy profiling is so intriguing to me!
After my nap, I felt so much better! C and I played a vowel sound game and read books before bed. And somehow we officially made it through the day. And even though I half wished we did screen time earlier today, I am grateful we don’t. Because we ended up meditating together tonight instead of vegging. And maybe that wouldn’t have happened.
Here’s to releasing pressure and tasks, letting go, maintaining mental strength and choosing to be happy!
Happy New Year 2016 🙂